109 Brooke Myers #60 30 - 34 F Kailua Kona, HI 4:47:43 10:58
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I Run because I Love it. I constantly remind myself that I will not take my love for running for granted. I have been in the position before, where I forced running and am all too familiar with those feelings that come along with forcing. Sunday's Marathon was not about a lack of nutrition, lack of training, nor the fact that it was hotter than poop on the Queen K. My unforgettable 4 hours and 47 minutes and 43 seconds on the course were all a matter of Mental Aptitude. My body was there and in the moment, but my head space was NOT. And if I am going to be honest with myself and all of you, my head space has not been there since March.
After finishing Honolulu Marathon 2014 with my best Marathon to date (3:21:52) and two weeks later finishing on top at the Hilo to Volcano 50k (First Female / 5th overall 4:38:05), I have found myself in somewhat of a Mental Slump. I feel like I have been in this constant mode of wanting change and needing something more than I do. I continue to remind myself I love running. I feel like I hit this major high after Honolulu & Hilo 50k and all of sudden fell down and seem to have a bit of trouble getting back up. I look at myself in the mirror with disgust and a lot of hatred towards my body again. I guess I have been quite negative.
I have treated people really close and dear to me with a lack or respect. I haven't wanted to practice yoga, run, or really participate in any physical activity for that matter. (I even took pregnancy tests because I thought something was wrong with me for not wanting to workout.) NO I AM NOT PREGNANT...
I continued to train and continued to teach my classes as I typically would, giving as close to 100% to my students as I could. When it comes to myself, I seemed to be giving less than 100%. I can honestly say I have been lacking the motivation to keep going. I want to drink coffee with Nick in the morning rather than go running, but instead my head tells me to go run and so I do. I want to eat before my yoga classes, which I never do. Maybe I cannot explain it properly, but something just seemed to be missing. My passion, my motivation, my inspiration.
And so, I decided to keep up with all that seemed to Inspire my followers because I did not want to let anyone down. I didn't want to admit to myself that I need to take a break. I didn't want to seem weak to all of you. My weakness showed during Sunday's Kona Marathon. The fact that I do need a break, showed with my performance.
Sunday June 28th, I woke up excited and ready to race. I woke up in this amazing Hotel Room out at the Hilton (thanks to Team BioAstin for offering to us). I woke up listening to the sounds of Nick and Whistler still sleeping. I woke up with my sister getting ready to run too. I was excited when I saw my friends down at the starting line. I was excited seeing the crowds of people I didn't even know.
And so, it happened around mile 5, I didn't want to run anymore. I went through my typical talk in my head "start slow" "run your own pace" "Breathe" "hydrate" and when mile 4 came, when it was time to "turn up the heat" and get on race pace, I lost my drive. I felt it inside and am pretty sure it showed on the outside. It wasn't until around mile 11 and mile 13 when things started to fall apart for good. My pace dropped and females began to pass me. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before the 3rd female would come running by. I knew back at mile 5, I wanted to call it quits.
I Brooke Myers, wanted to QUIT. I haven't wanted to quit any race since before Whistler was born. I have been working, practicing, and training strong for 5 straight years. But, something inside of me no longer wanted to be out on the course running. I wanted to be playing with Nick and Whistler. I wanted to be with my family.
Once out on the Queen K highway, at one of the aid stations I walked under the tent and I stopped. I looked at two familiar Kona faces (Cory & Doug) and said "I'm Pau""I just don't want to run anymore". The three of us talked for a little bit and they kindly tried to lift my spirits and reminded me sometimes we do need to take a break because sometimes if we don't, we wont come back at all. With a phone in my hand, I almost dialed Nick to come get me off the Highway. I was ready to be done.
As we all know, there is always more push within us than we realize and with that more, we keep pushing on. Some guy from Colorado, I never met before, encouraged me to keep going, and within a split second I handed the phone back to its owner and I began running up the hill. We talked about racing and Ultra Distance running to take my mind off the fact that I didn't want to be running. Eventually our conversation had to end and I told him to go ahead, I had to walk. By this point, I had been taking in too much water and Ice from the previous aid stations. My stomach couldn't handle the liquids, so with each footstep I began to puke and dry heave.
If you are anything like me, once you walk you continue to walk (walking becomes comfortable). I continued to walk more than I ever should have. I looked up that hill and thought what in heck am I doing. I managed to get myself to the turnaround and headed back down that hill slowly.
I began to gaze off into the distance at all these runners out here with me pushing forwards. They were sweating, walking, running slowly, running stronger than ever, but what touched me the most was the fact that not one of these individuals were QUITTING. They were here and they were not going to give up. And so, when I found myself under the same tent talking with the same two familiar Kona faces again, I decided I was not going to give up.
Luckily, my sister came riding upon a bike she borrowed from a friend and I knew I had to keep going. I walked and she walked with me with a nice ride next to her. Not only did I, but a few other participants on course wanted to take her bike and ride. She did offer it to me and even said she would jog next to me. I couldn't make my sister who just finished the Half Marathon and is in the midst of training for her upcoming triathlon jog next to me. Thank you for the offer Bree....
She listened as I talked and within that time together, I knew I needed to keep pushing on to the finish line whether I walked or ran, I needed to finish. And I knew in that moment no one was going to come sweep me off the Highway.
I looked at my Garmin and was so far off pace and time, that all I could really do is smile at this point and try to cheer everyone else on. I wasn't alone out there and I wasn't going to act like I was.
I haven't been in the back of the pack for a while now. I guess you could say I have kind of forgotten what it was like to be last. In a lot of ways, it is much harder for these individuals to be out there in the heat, than to be running faster in the front of the pack. My heart felt heavy for some of the people I saw out there. I kept thinking I am so over this, how do you all of out here on this course feel? Are they tired, are they hot? Are they wanting to quit too?
I don't believe any of them wanted to quit. I believe they wanted to FINISH. There on the side of the road was a sign "Breathe You are Doing Great" and with that I took a deep breath. I too wanted to finish this race. My Garmin must have been thinking the same thing as it beeped at me the battery was dying. I laughed at myself and then kissed my watch and said I'll try to get to finish before this battery dies. 10k left, and then only a 5k left and I knew I was going to finish, just not as pretty as I am capable of. Not as fast as I am capable of.
Nick and Whistler showed up with 2 miles left to go. I was so happy in that moment to see the both of them. I told Nick it just wasn't my day and it hasn't been for a while. I shared with Nick my feelings and my apologies for some words I have spoken in the last couple of months that should have NEVER been spoken to them. I am human and I screw up all the time. No excuse, but I do. Being alone on the course sure opens your heart...
At mile 24 my Garmin died and I again just had to laugh it off. I was closer to the finish and tried to run it home the best I could. I wasn't mad, upset, nor embarrassed. Truthfully, I learned a lot on Sunday's course....
Just ahead of me was a friend (Raul) whom I decided to chase after. Raul - thank you for letting me grab a hold of your water belt to the finish. I needed that pull! I needed that laugh!
I have never been so excited to see the finish line, than I was on Sunday. I felt like it was the first race I have ever run or something. Lots of friends and my family were there. So many sweaty hugs and big bright smiles to make my day. Lots of great stories from friends and their race experiences. And Whistler there begging to go to the water slides and pool back at the hotel. Lol. Poor little guy had to wait so much longer for me to finish, way to hang in their Whistler.
And just like that, another race, another Marathon in the books. Not my day, but still one worth holding onto for future lessons. But for now, I think I will take a little break from running.
My parents will be out here soon, so that will be a beautiful time to just enjoy their company.
It will be a nice time to renew, refresh, and rejuvenate myself. And besides, I need a new pair of running shoes, so it seems like the right timing altogether. Running I love you and will miss you, but I need to clear my head and find my motivation. I will come back ready to train and give it my all for the Honolulu Marathon 2015! You can count on me!
***Oh and I am Super Excited for The upcoming Handstand Workshop with Melissa. We will be teaching this special event together - Saturday July 25th at Yoga Hale from 2-4:30
(Sign Up on the Yoga Hale Website If you would like to join us).......
***To everyone who participated in the Kona Marathon Events (Runners, Walkers, Volunteers, Spectators) on Sunday June 28, 2015 - THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME GOING. Congrats on your Finish!!!
To those of you who ask me what I thought of the course, if I liked the New Course:
1. I still think the Marathon should start at 5:00 or 5:30am.
2. I think the Marathoner's should instead of doing two loops in the beginning, we should head out to the Queen K just as the Half Marathoner's did and then maybe loop a second time towards the end.
3. Aid stations were great, but I heard from some other older participants that there was too much a gap in between aid stations on the Queen K. They needed more in between. (The Volunteers at the aid stations were there and helpful and a great support.)
4. And no matter if we are walking or running, we should NOT have to wait for the the traffic. At the intersection coming out of the resort, an officer made us wait for at least 50 cars (Not really 50 but it sure felt like it). I even made a joke in regards to this ruining my PR. When we were trying to cross, he made us wait. No matter if you are at the beginning or the end of the race pack, participants should NOT have to wait for traffic.
5. It was Hot. It was tougher. Yes I did like the course (Did not like my performance).
Thanks for Reading,
and remember to Breathe ~
Love,
Brooke
@breathebrooke via Twitter & Instagram
+brooke myers
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