NEDA Awareness Week 2015, is coming to an end. Spreading awareness and sharing the truth about my lengthy battle with Bulimia; however, is NOT. It's been a long and challenging week. More emotional than I remember from last year and last year was the first year I actually spoke up about my Eating Disorder. Why is it that this year was just plain out harder for me? I spoke to a friend this afternoon (well text message) and she mentioned NEDA week has been hard for her too. I think it's been hard for a lot of us who have suffered, lied, and lived with an Eating Disorder.
I was reading through some older journals from my past and my heart felt heavy and my eyes watery from the words I once wrote. I cannot believe I talked the way I did every day to myself that way, in such a way I would rather spare you the details right now. I look at myself and can see how far I have come, but I still feel stuck. I asked myself this evening on my way to teach BUTI YOGA, if I will ever not think about my Eating Disorder. Being honest with myself, I answered probably not. A day will not go by that I probably will not 'NOT' think about something related to this disease. It's sad to think that every single moment in my life I will have to make a choice to not let my thoughts, food, exercise, loud voices in my head, feelings I have, people I see, or whatever related to my ED win me over. I will have to make a choice every single day to live and let go the best I know how. It becomes extremely exhausting more so mentally than physically, but I have made a commitment to my son I intend to keep it. I intend to keep working harder than the hard feels and not let my son down.
Maybe this week has been harder this year than last because I'm more involved, more aware, and more in-tune with myself. Maybe I'm disconnected.Maybe I'm still broken.
I'm not sure exactly why I feel like this week has been hard for me. I suppose I should focus on the positive of this week like talking, spreading awareness, and connecting with others on a more personal level. This week isn't a week to heal our hearts and make all of our problems disappear. It's more than that. It's a week of being honest maybe for the first time ever, it's an opportunity to give friends and family members a chance to speak, it's a place to connect with others who understand and can relate, this week was about TRUTH and sometimes the truth just hurts. Each of us has our own individual way of spreading awareness. Some of us are more or less open than others. This week I have seen some truth that has made me think more about my own life and how thankful I am to be living and some posts that I have come across I ended looking at over and over because I could not believe how amazing their life transformations were.
Eating Disorders come in so many shapes and sizes. No ED is ever fun or exciting. It is painful and real and maybe that's why this week has been so hard for me. The pain I have felt myself and the pain I have seen in others effects me too.
“I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in all my flaws…a beautiful disaster.”
and maybe just maybe we all are in small way beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, and beautiful in our flaws.
~ Just Breathe
Brooke Myers
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